Delilah's First Fish...

One of the more illustrious things about our small town is that we really go all out for the 4th of July. It's basically 4 days of games, events, booze and food.
This year, Delilah is finally able to participate in the Scrap Fish Derby, where the kids use hand-lines to catch fish, and the biggest one wins a prize. When J was a kid, this was his very favorite event, and he claims that he almost always won. In order to carry on the family tradition of victory, he decided that he and Delilah should go to the dock tonight to practice.

She was so excited, and kept saying how she was going to catch a "big one" and win the prize. When we got down to the dock and met J, who was just coming back from a bear guiding trip, she was super gung-ho about catching a fish. Within less than a minute she had a bite and J started to help her pull the fish up, where she proceeded to surprise both of us, by running away. She honestly ran all the way up the ramp screaming that the fish was "flopping" at her.

We tried hard, but we couldn't get her to come back down the ramp, so I got a lovely video of J holding the fish...

The Abortion Pill...

The Abortion Pill…

As a woman who has suffered from infertility, the Supreme Court’s decision to side with businesses like Hobby Lobby in their goal of keeping women from affordable, safe healthcare is disgusting to me. However, I do support religious freedom (even if I do believe religion is hogwash), and am more than happy to let anyone practise any religion they choose. Want to worship an invisible man in the sky? Go for it. Want to believe that he sent part of himself to earth to erase all of our “sins”? Great! Want to smear yourself in peanut butter and sing songs in praise of the peanut? Fine by me, but when your peanut overlord starts interfering in my life, that’s when we have a problem.

I personally, have never had an abortion, though I have taken Misoprostol, which is the actual “abortion pill”, three times. How can I say I have taken the “abortion pill” and never had an abortion? Because when I would successfully get pregnant with J, the first 6 babies miscarried, and neither of us could stand to wait for my body to expel it naturally, which can take weeks. I couldn’t stand the thought of carrying my dead child inside of me, so I was offered Misoprostol as an option to end the failed pregnancy. I have also had a procedure that is exactly the same as a traditional abortion when I lost the baby further along. All of these experiences were heartbreaking and made me question if I was even a woman by the standard definition.

I firmly believe that at least 98% of women who have an abortion, for whatever reason are not “happy” about it. Some do it because they are not ready to be mothers, some because they can’t support a baby, some because they can’t physically carry a baby to term, and some because the baby has already died in utero. There are as many reasons to have an abortion as there are women having them, but very few of them are doing it for fun.    

If I were to get pregnant right now, I wouldn’t get an abortion, though I would be pretty pissed to find out I was pregnant, because that is a family planning decision that my husband and I have made. If I were to have gotten pregnant at any time before the age of 25 or so, I would have walked into Planned Parenthood with my head held high. I have never been a reckless woman, I did not have unprotected sex until J and I made the decision to have children, but I also understand that birth control fails, and accidents happen. If Delilah gets pregnant and for whatever reason can’t or won’t take care of the child, then I will be right there with her at Planned Parenthood, holding her hand and telling her that everything will be ok, and that she is making the right decision. But, having access to Plan B and other emergency contraceptives is much less horrifying than having to go into the clinic and have what amounts to a medical procedure with risks, or going through labor and birth of the fetus.

While I will admit that there are certainly women who use Plan B, and abortions as their form of birth control, I don’t support what these women are doing. A woman should take her health into account and make good and informed decision about family planning. This isn’t the Dark Ages any longer, where women were essentially forced to have child after child until menopause or death during childbirth. Haven't we evolved beyond that? Aren't we moving past women being treated as second-class citizens? How come old men and corporations have more rights in regards to my body than I do? I realize that we live in an "Old Boy's Club" kind of country, and the younger generations are struggling through the decisions of our parents and grandparents generations, who see to believe they know what's best for their children, but what rulings like the Hobby Lobby ruling have done, is shown the world, that America isn't really the Home of the Free if the few can take away the rights of the many.

What to do now...

Today seems to be one of those days where the kid has already been taking a nap for half an hour and I still seem to be watching Julius Jr. Now that I am making the switch to Stay-at-Home Mom, this seems to be happening more and more. I am also perpetually covered in blue paint and glitter, since Delilah is in  "Blue Period" right now.

I am both amazed with the amount of time in a day that I need to fill for her, and also by how fast the days seem to be going. I try my best to keep us on a regular meal and nap schedule, and bedtime is still firmly at 8:00 pm, it's those hours in the middle of the day that throw me off.

I am doing my best to be up by 7:00 am, and have Delilah up by 8:00 am, and my house is so clean I don't know what else I can do with it. The weekly housekeeper is even coming today and I have no idea what to have her do. People keep telling me to "relax" and "enjoy this time", but how on earth do people do that? Perhaps I just haven't completed the transition from working full time, to trying to finally make writing an actual career, instead of just a passion. It doesn't help that Delilah seems to have entered into a needy phase, and J is still out catching crab from 3:30 am to 8:00 pm everyday. It's hard to have a "normal" life when you never see your husband, and your child can't stop asking 8 million questions a day.

This entire new life has come because J and I decided for me to quit my job, that was contributing greatly to my suicidal thoughts and general unhappiness. I can't even begin to describe how I felt when I made the decision to quit. It's like the noose that has always been around my chest, squeezing the life out of me, finally went away. I felt like I could breath for the first time in years, and after a week and a half I am still happy with my decision. Of course, we may also be destitute and living off crackers and ramen within 6 months, who can tell?

My therapist, Julie, says that the entire look on my face changed as soon as I made the decision in my head. And J says that he is so glad to have "Happy Megan" back in his life. I haven't cried since turning in my letter of resignation, and I haven't had a single suicidal thought, but that didn't keep my family from going on hyper-alert. I finally had to tell them all that it was unnecessary for them to call me every breakfast, lunch and dinner, just to make sure I haven't drown myself in the toilet. 

What's in my purse...

My lovely Current Coach Purse
that my sister gave me for my
last birthday.

I decided it was time to clean out my purse today, and while I was doing it, I realized that I carry a lot of crap around with me! So, I decided that I needed to let the world see, just exactly what i deem necessary for everyday life...

Chromebook

Chromebook power cord

2 packages of tissue

Soy sauce

Spicy mustard

Deodorant

2 packages of wet wipes

Extra silicone earbuds

Tiny, black, pirate rubber ducky

Mirror

Mints

Eos gloss

Dental floss

Kindle

Old Elks card

New Elks Card

Gun

Bag of small shells

Pink “Girls survival kit”

Eyeliner

3 different kinds of razor blades

Hairnet

Excedrin PM

Xanex

Lip gloss

Earl Gray Tea

Crystal light

“Super Pooper” sticker

Fishing license

2 AA and 1 AAA battery

1 cable needle

2 size 7 needle tips

Pile of pink sparkles

Stray Everlasting Gobstoppers

$.43

Lamasil

Clamp

2 smarties

The top to the dog’s insulin meter

1 package of DayQuil

1 Package of Allegra

3 antique marbles

Moose Smooches chapstick

Moroccan Hair Oil

3 pens

Keys to my mom’s truck

Spare door key to my car

5 1inch miniature books

6 stitch markers

Endless crumbs…

Dear Delilah...

Dear Delilah,

Holy cow, you are a wild child!!!! I had no idea that it was possible to find your own kid so entertaining, but you take the cake.  Currently, your favorite thing to do is twirl in circles while singing “Let it go” and pretending to be Queen Elsa from Frozen. Of course, you then decide you want to be Princess Anna, and tell me that “Elsa is dead!”.  I have no idea where you get these things.

Your little personality is just hysterical. You are so black and white when it comes to how things should be. If a light is usually on, and one day it happens to be off, your world tilts off its axis and nothing will ever be right again, until the light is fixed. You are in a question asking phase. I swear, daddy and I answer 8,765,034,924 questions a day. The really irritating ones are ones we just answered 6 seconds before. Your favorite question to ask is “why do those boats not in the harbor?” and daddy or I will say “Because they are getting worked on”, and then 2 seconds later you ask why the boats aren’t’ in the harbor again.

You also don’t want to have stories read to you at night. You want Daddy or I to tell you a story. Last night you learned about when Nana took Mom fishing and I kissed all the fish before letting them go. You thought that part was the best. I’m not sure what stories Daddy tells you, but I am sure they are going to give you bad ideas.

You have also discovered Knock-knock Jokes. This is extra entertaining, because you don’t seem to understand how they work or what an actual punchline is. For example, here is how a normal exchange will go between the two of us…

Delilah: “Knock-knock, who’s there”

Mom: “No, I say ‘Who’s there’.”

Delilah: Knock-knock, who’s there.”

Mom: “No, I say…. Oh forget it. Who’s there?”

Delilah: “Banana”

Mom: “Banana Who?”

Delilah: “Banana living in a tree house!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So, as you can see, I spend a lot of time staring at you blankly, trying to figure out what the hell you are talking about. Don’t even get me started on when you try to tell me a story.

We also just took you to The Cabin for the first time this last weekend and you loved it. You ran and ran, built castles, twirled, sang songs, rode in the boat, saw a whale, blew bubbles, roasted marshmallows, and had one hell of a time with the outhouse. Dad and I think Grandpa really enjoyed having you out there with him too. When we got back to town, the first thing you said was “When are we going back?”. I swear, that made your father’s day. He wants you to love the cabin just as much as he does. I remember all of the wonderful times I had at GG and Grandfather’s lake house when I was a little girl, and I want you to have a place and memories like that too. 

I love you more than Naps and Dean Winchester

Was it worth it?...

Today, an infertile friend asked me if infertility treatments were “worth it”. I found myself really pondering this question, because I wasn’t sure what the answer was. Yes, the 3 years of doctor visits, medications, procedures, miscarriages, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and feeling like a failure at life was “worth it” because I am one of the people who was able to walk out on the other side of infertility with a baby. However, I know many people who have not had a baby, who tried every method I did, and more and never got that second pink line on the pregnancy test, or were never able to carry a baby to term, and I hate to give them “hope” because every situation is different.

My sister and I have the exact same infertility diagnosis, PCOS with an MTHFR1 mutation; she got and stayed pregnant with twins on her 10^th IVF cycle. I got and stayed pregnant on a round of 300mg Clomid, blood thinners and progesterone suppositories. So, you see, even two sisters with the same diagnosis aren’t going to have the same level of success while trying to conceive.

The problem I have with telling people to “hang in there” is that I know, that for some people, they will never be able to have a biological child, and I don’t want to shoot sunshine up their ass. My sister won’t even talk about her infertility treatments, and to this day, we both sure we have PTSD. I still hate pregnancy announcements, and have only been to one baby shower in the last 8 years, and only because I was the hostess.

So when my friends ask if it was all worth it, my answer is “maybe”. Would it have been worth it if I didn’t walk out with a healthy, biological child that I carried to term myself, I’m not so sure. 

The 5 Worst Things About Living With a Blind Dog

Sweet Teply Jean has gone blind as a result of her Type 1 Diabetes. We have been living with her blindness for just over a month, and boy can I tell you, it certainly has it's drawbacks. Therefore, I thought I would make a list of the 5 worst things about your dog going blind, in addition to twice daily insulin shots. 

1. You have to run outside without pants on...

In our previous, sighted, life I was in the habit of just walking downstairs and letting her out the door in the morning, then going back to bed. As a result, I don't normally put pants on for such and activity. Unfortunately I got a rude awakening. Here's the story: We have to let Teply out the back door because she came dangerously close to falling down the front steps several times. Since she isn't used to going out the back door, she was (and continues to be) hesitant about going out there alone. So, I got her to the back door about 7am one morning, but she got confused and ended up rolling down this tiny hill and couldn't get her bearings straight. Not wanting to leave her out there, I make a mad dash in nothing but a tank top and panties, out my back door, into the yard, to hoist the dog back up onto the back porch. While I am struggling to get her back up and in the house, I hear this whistle. My neighbor Ron had watched the entire episode from his driveway while walking his dog. Therefore, always wear pants and shoes, and it may benefit you to take a flashlight when it's dark.

2. The cats have turned into bastards...

While Weasely and Professor Chaos are routinely described by me as the worst cats ever, they really aren't that bad and I do love  and enjoy them all the time. However, since Teply got sick, they have been bastards, mainly at meal time. While this isn't really caused by her blindness as much as her diabetes, it still adds a headache to the whole situation. See, Teply Jean must eat at 7 am and pm, and the way to get her to do that is to put some wet cat food in her food (why cat food? No carbs). Well the bastard cats have decided that they get wet food too and have become horribly pushy about it. They get all up in my face when I am trying to get her shot and food ready. The only way to get them out of your face is to give them some wet food, which creates a terrible loop of bad behavior. 

3. Walks while hung over...

Since all of this has happened in the midst of the holidays, we have had more than one occasion where I was still drunk at 10am from the night before. But, regardless of how much like a toilet you feel, you still have to roll your sorry ass out of bed and get the dog outside. 

4. The cats are pissed...

The Boys have to wear bell collars because Teply kept stepping on them, or jumping out of her skin whenever one of them snuck up on her. They are not fans of the collar and I feel like Weasely is giving me the evil eye all the time. 

5. My house smells like a brothel...

In an effort to help her navigate the house, I ordered an essential oils kit to put different trails of smell to help her navigate from one place to the other. Now I have this weird blend of Vicks Vaporub, and oranges.

So, as you can see, Things aren't that bad at all. Teply Jean is happy, and I'm just glad I get to have more time with her.