Doctor Who???

Since I was a child, I have always been in love with the same man. He has always been my own, special blend of fish fingers and custard. I am speaking of course of the amazing Doctor, and don’t you dare call him Doctor Who!  Since November 23rd is the 50^th anniversary of Doctor Who, I am all full of fangirl squeals. Since I live a fairly subversive geeked out life, many people don't know that I can nerdgirl with the best of them when it comes to Doctor Who. I keep seeing people doing a post every day for the month of November is a countdown to the new anniversary episode and my first thought was 'I want to do that!!" quickly followed by "Like I would remember to do that." 

For the sake of everyone who isn't a freak like me and to keep myself from going back and re-watching all of the episodes, especially the ones I slept through when I was five. 

1. Favorite Doctor: I always try to say Baker, just so the other Whovians don’t think I joined the bandwagon late or anything. But if I am going to be honest, David Tennant played a wonderful Doctor. Not to mention, he has that horrible, nerdboy thing going on, where I kind of want to just keep him locked in my house and he should snuggle and bring me tea when I am home. 

2. Favorite Companion: Catherine Tate as Donna Noble is my all time favorite companion and I wish she could have stayed forever. I especially loved how there was no romantic involvement at all with these two, they literally were just friends out to have a good time together.   

 

3. Least Favorite Companion: Billie Piper as Rose Tyler. Everyone loves her, and talks about how she and the Doctor have this great and profound love. Honestly, I just don't get it. Her character never really seemed to be a match for the Doctor. Of course, perhaps I am just reflecting my own relationship onto Rose and the Doctor. Since I am absurdly educated, and J is not, I wouldn't say I am challenged by his conversation. I realize that I am with J because of his entertaining qualities in addition to his porn star anatomy (wink, wink, nudge, nudge...). My point is, that if Rose and the Doctor aren't doing the nasty in the T.A.R.D.I.S. then what the hell are they doing? 

4. Favorite Villain: Weeping Angels. The Weeping Angels are hands down one of the scariest motherfuckers ever to grace the television. Not only will they kill you nicely, but they will make sure you shit yourself before you do it. 

5. Favorite Alien: Judoon, mainly because I like hearing Ten say "Jadoon, platoon upon the moon." Not to mention that they look like rhinoceros, but no one ever seems to mention that part.

6. Favorite Special Episode: The Waters of Mars made me cry and cry, and I still cry when I watch it today. I loved Adelaid, and how she was an amazing and strong character, even if she was only ever going to be in one episode. 

7. Favorite Season: 4, because it's Donna's

8. Favorite Master: John Simm because he was delightfully evil, and even looked kind of foxy while doing it. 

9. Least Favorite Season: 3. I do love Martha Jones and think she did a great job, and love how she was a wonderful transition from the Rose Days to the Donna Days. But I always felt she got the short end of the stick as a companion. But season 3 was basically just this totally awesome character following a sad Doctor around. 

10. Saddest Episode:  The End of Time, for obvious reasons. Oh, when I found out Wilf was the one who "knocked four times" I became a hysterical mess. 

11. Funniest Episode: Partners in Crime. The entire scene through the windows, should have won awards.

12. Episode that Scared you most: The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, because this little bastard was fucking terrifying!!!

13. Character you hate that everyone else likes: Rose!!!! I just don't get it!!

14. Most annoying character: Jackson Lake. Yes, he was only in one episode, but that episode was enough for me to decide that I did not want him as the next doctor. Thankfully it was just those damn Cybermen. Jackson Lake makes a way better one eyed, zombie killing, governor anyway. 

15. Favorite Actor: John Barrymore as Captain Jack Harkness, because it is refreshing to have an attractive character that you know, for sure would have your thighs around his neck regardless of your race, creed or gender. 

16. Least Favorite Actor: Noel Clark as Mickey Smith

17. Favorite Writer: Mark Gatiss. He writes some of the funniest episodes.

18. Favorite Couple: Amy and Rory. What I loved most about Amy and Rory is that they were always the only ones for each other. Across space and time, this girl and this boy loved each other. 

19. Favorite friendship: Donna and the Doctor

20. Favorite spin-off: Torchwood : Children of Earth

And look, it's got the 12th Doctor already in it!

21. Favorite Quote: “The thing is Adam, time travel is like visiting Paris. You can’t just read the guidebook; you’ve got to throw yourself in! Eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers!”

22. Favorite catchphrase: “Hello Sweetie”

23. Favorite interview: Ummmmm, I have no idea. I barely have time to watch the show, much less to keep up on their interviews.

24. Favorite gif:

This is obviously what happiness looks like

25. Favorite guest star: Simon Pegg as The Editor or Mark Gatiss as Richard Lazarus

Because Albino Shaun of the Dead can scare the pants off anyone

And you thought Mycroft Holmes couldn't get any creepier.

4 Reasons to have a kid, even when you don’t like them…

I will be the first to admit, I don’t like kids. They’re loud, dirty, and they say “look what I can do” way too much. They endlessly want things from you, when all you want to do is bury your head in a vat of wine and drink the sorrow of your soul crushing life away. I find their endless drivel annoying, and can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would choose to give up their adult life to taking care of a child that will probably insist that you pay for their therapy in the future because you made them this way anyway.

Nevertheless, I do have a kid. One that took a ton of money and years of infertility treatments to get, and I just paid her off last week, so I guess I have to keep her. So, from one mother who loathes kids to another childless person whom loathes kids, they really do have some good attributes.

1.      1.  They’re funny

My kid is hysterical, at least to me. I recently had a discussion with her about why it’s not okay to lick strangers on the forehead. She dances and sings, shakes and wiggles and says crazy shit like “Dad, you have a vagina and its name is peanut”. Don’t even get me started on the crazy shit I hear through the baby monitor at 3am.

For some reason, all sunglasses must be worn upside down.

She dresses herself in funny outfits, and gives her toys strange and completely inappropriate names. She will yell out anything you tell her to, and horrify those around you, while you try to hide your laugh a midst some well-timed coughs.

I call this one "Homeless Chic"

    

















x    Excuses

Ever notice who gets first crack on getting holidays and special events off at work? The moms. Having a kid totally lets you make excuses for all sorts of things. Don’t want to go to work? Call in with “my child is sick”, and then pack that little monster off to daycare and take a nap. Want to get out of some event? Send an apology along with “I can’t find a babysitter and I don’t want to mess up my darling’s nighttime routine.” Who will call you out on that? No one! Why? Because the second you question a mom on anything that has to do with their kid, they will go ape shit crazy on you, and no one wants to send a mom on the warpath.

3.       3. Parents

Your parents have been making you crazy for your entire life, isn’t it time you shared the wealth? From firsthand experience, I can tell you that one that baby makes its grand entrance; your parents will basically forget that you even exist. My mother won’t even come over if the monster is asleep, and that freedom from her scrutiny is wonderful.

Here is a picture of that trip to my sisters,
 which basically sums up the entire experience.

Of course this freedom is a double edged sword, because though you may have succeeded in getting your mother off your back, she has now turned into a grandmother. Remember your grandmother? Mine always had candy and let me watch soap operas all day. She shoved me full of sweets and Kool-Aid and then sent me on my merry way. The greatest thing about my grandparent’s houses was that the rules didn’t apply and I could do basically whatever I wanted.

We recently returned from a trip to my sister’s house where my mother was left alone with my daughter and my sister’s three kids for four days, and it took at least three times that amount of time to turn my child back into a person I could actually live with. On the up side, I usually have an overnight babysitter when I feel like acting like I am 23 instead of 33.

4.       4. Blame

Nothing is easier than moving the blame over to your two year old. Honestly, they are the perfect scape goats. Forget to buy someone a birthday present? All you have to say is “Oh, little Suzie wandered off with it and now I have to go looking.” And you have just bought yourself weeks of time before having to actually find a gift, and if you are really lucky, the recipient will forget anyway. If you break something say “Suzie scaled the bookshelf and knocked your Faberge Egg collection to the ground.”

"Sorry Daddy, Mom, I mean I,
broke your $200 headphones."

If you lose something you can say “My little monster keeps hiding things from me.” It’s the perfect solution because who can question a toddler? You can’t understand what they are saying 90% of the time anyway, and since they are little monkey thieves naturally, it’s a very plausible excuse to get yourself out of trouble. Although, this tactic can only work for so long, so I am not sure what I will do when you can actually understand her.

Don't get me wrong, she still has her downsides. I swear I have talked about her bowl movements with more people than I care to count. Lets also mention how fucking expensive she is. Not only did we shell out thousands and thousands of dollars to get pregnant (or roughly the same amount I spent on useless birth control since I was 16), but then you have to buy all sorts of things for them. The food alone is going to send me into the poor house, and I have a good job, making good money. Don't even get me started on how I spent two years mail ordering special diapers because she was allergic to all of the ones I could buy locally. And she wakes up really fucking early, every single day.

This Week in Etsy...

I have been on a slight Etsy break, mainly because we are trying to save for a down payment on a house, therefore buying random things from the internet has been frowned upon by J.But I sold a few patterns and decided to treat myself to something pretty.

Lavender and Earl Grey scented heaven

I have been eyeballing this for a long time. I mean, I like lavender and Earl Grey Tea but the idea of buying a perfume on the internet that I have never smelled was scary. I decided to take the leap though and couldn't be more pleased. The Etsy store is called Madame Scodioli and she has lots of interesting scent combinations, but I wouldn't call a single one of them normal. I have already ordered her sampler pack to see what other scents I may like, in addition to her Restorative Lip Balm. As for how I would describe the scent? I think it smells like an antique book store run by sweet old ladies, which is more appealing than it sounds.

I have a thing for sharks. I wouldn't say I am "in to" sharks, but I enjoy Shark Week, and Jaws. I think they are fascinating because they are basically the same as they were when the dinosaurs walked the earth, and goodness knows I like dinosaurs. Anyway, I digress. I have been wanting a shark tooth necklace since I saw Mila Kunis wear one in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. But I could never find one that fit my criteria of being dainty, silver, and what I would consider a "cool" shark. Then I discovered The Shark Tooth Shop and found exactly what I wanted. I got a Bull Shark tooth pendent and added it to a silver chain I already had and I haven't taken it off since. Why a Bull Shark, because I am a nerd and I know that a probably rogue Bull Shark was eating people in New Jersey in 1911 which became the inspiration for Jaws.

In my never ending attempt to add even more odd plants to my house I ran across a Marimo Moss Ball Terrium. I got this one at Eclectic Zen, but I must admit, I wouldn't call it "Giant". It sort of makes me want to order a small one just to be able to compare it. I'd say it's about the size of a golf ball, maybe slightly smaller. Still, I have it sitting on the kitchen window sill and I change it's water every week, and every other week I have been putting a drop of plant food in it's water, even though I'm sure our water probably has enough bugs in it to feed the thing.

Five things I Know About a Good Marriage…

Trust me, I have years of experience. Well, I have 5 years of experience, but let’s be honest; lots and lots of married people don’t make it to the five year mark, so at least I have one up on them. And aside from the endless drudgery of being working parents with little to no money, we seem to still like each other. Hell, we even had sex twice yesterday. I haven’t the faintest idea how people stay married for ten years, or fifteen, but I know exactly how we successfully stayed married for five.

1.     1.   No Secrets: I define “secrets” as anything you feel like you should keep from your spouse. If you are going to have to hide something you did indefinitely (meaning surprise birthday parties and what not), then you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. This can range from how much that TARDIS shaped cookie jar really cost to cheating. J and I tell each other fucking everything. Even things the other person doesn’t want to know anything about.  I cannot even begin to describe how often I have stared, glassy eyed as J went on and on about some sports crap that I have absolutely zero interest, much like when I go off about the new study I read stating that spanking your child will turn them into a serial killer (besides, we all know formula does that so Delilah is already screwed).

2.       2. Nothing is “Off-Limits”: There is no such thing as a taboo subject in my house. We talk about anything and everything. There is not a damn thing we don’t know about each other, from how we take our coffee to when and where we lost our virginity (actually, I kind of wish I didn’t know the “where” since we are about to buy that house and our daughter will grow up in the very room that her father sweated on some girl that was not her mother). We had a very extensive conversation about things J wants me to try for the next blow job he gets last night while catching up on the Walking Dead (Which started with me saying “I would suck the white trash right off of Daryl”). Seriously, talk about anything.

3.       3. Fight: I mean it, get in fights. Don’t hold things that really bother you in. If you feel strongly about it, then fight it out. You may not agree on the outcome, but at least you are no longer holding it in and your spouse knows too. Fighting also leads to compromise. 

4.       4. Have Sex: I like to call it Marriage Bed-Death. With work, kids, pets, being social it hard to fit in sex, and before you know it you haven’t done the nasty in weeks. But having sex is one of the reasons you are in a couple. And let’s be honest, it can turn out to be the best sex of your life because you have the time and hopefully the motivation to figure out exactly what each other’s special places are and how to stroke them just the right way. Try new things, experiment, because you have got to keep your sex life interesting. Buy some toys (we have a big ass box under the bed which has “Don’t open this box!!! Seriously, once you see what’s in it you can’t un-see it”), dress up in costumes, whatever. The great thing about having a great marriage is that what happens between the two of you in the bedroom stays between the two of you, unless you are like me and have a tendency to over-share after taking shots of SinFire.

5.       5. Be Best Friends: J is my very best friend. I honestly like spending time with him. He makes me laugh and when he is gone I miss him terribly. We text each other all day, sending pictures we think are funny, or sending a quick “I love you”. We have a date night every week where we take turns picking out a movie, and the other person is not allowed to veto it, and both of us look forward to Tuesday nights all week. Last week I picked Jaws, the week before he picked The Sandlot. 

Dear Delilah…

Dear Delilah,

                Oh my God!!! You just turned two!!!! Where the hell has the time gone? Seriously, yesterday you asked me for chocolate milk and I wondered where my drooling, slug-baby went. Your favorite words right now are “no” and “why” and you use them to exhaustion. I will say things like “Delilah, let’s put your shoes on” and you will scream “NO!!” and run away. I swear it happened at the exact moment you turned two. Honestly at 5:20am on March 7, 2013 you learned that you should say “no” or “why” whenever I ask you to do anything, ever. You said “no” to daddy for the first time last night and I thought the top of his head was going to blow off. Since he is not the hyper-researcher that I am, he hasn’t heard all about the stages of development and all that other crap, so after you want to bed I had to explain the whole thing to him and how you are just going through a stage that should end somewhere around the time you have children of your own and they tell you “no” for the first time.

                You are also still pretty fucking destructive. You laugh with glee every time you knock something down, spill something, chew on something, etc. The other kids at daycare have started calling you “Beast Mode” and “Godzilla”. And you are such a daredevil! My God, you scare the shit out of me all the time by diving off of things and assuming Daddy or I will catch you. To our benefit, we have yet to drop you on the floor but I, for one, am getting tired of having a heart attack 57 times a day. Don’t even get me started on taking you to the pool. It’s like you have absolutely no concept that you don’t know how to swim. Seriously, you try to swim away from us the entire time and you thrash around like an orangutan on crystal meth! So I had to buy you a goofy looking floating swimming suit so at least when you leapt out of my arms you didn’t immediately sink to the bottom. Also, I basically had to football tackle you in the grocery store parking lot the other day when you decided to run into traffic.

                Oh, and the shoes! You love shoes and think they are the greatest things since feet. Currently you have formed a strange relationship with some pink cowboy boots and some kid high-heels that your Aunt Erin sent you. I can’t get you to take them off, and when I do finally hold you down and pull them from your feet, you act like I have just poured acid on you.

However, you seem to be surviving pretty well, even though Daddy and I still feel like we have no idea what we are doing.

I love you more than Diet Pepsi Cadburry Eggs,

Mommy

A Godless Parent in a God Fearing World…

I am an Atheist. I put no other labels on myself other than I do not believe that the universe was created by a “god”. I believe that we exist by pure chance and an amazing thing called evolution. And honestly, I am pretty fucking happy with that. I don’t have to get up early on weekend mornings to go to church, or mass, or temple, or prayers, etc. I believe that this life is the only one we will ever have and you should do your best to make it a good one. I am not afraid of growing old and dying. I don’t fret about if my life will be considered up-to-snuff by some omnipresent being that will judge me based on the decisions I have made. Besides, what kind of a dick move would that be on “god’s” part to have people be born into situations outside of their control and then punish them for it for all of eternity?

The only person in my family who seems to be particularly religious is my father, who converted to Catholicism when he wanted to get re-married (a story which could take up a novel if I were to write it out). Besides him, no one in my immediate family goes to church on any sort of regular basis, though every one of them would claim to be “Christian” if you put a gun to their head. They all know I’m an Atheist, even though a few may tell me I don’t “really mean in”, but I am happy with my choices and the lot in life they have led me to, with no help from an angelic overlord.

However, when I became a parent, something strange happened. It didn’t happen to me; it seemed to happen to everyone else around me. Suddenly everyone in my immediate and extended family wanted to know when the christening was going to be, who her godparents were, and where she was going to attend Sunday School. My aunts and cousins are all staunch Southern Baptists, and are no doubt horrified by my godless ways, and when I told them that there would be no christening, therefore it was not necessary to send me the family, heirloom christening dress (since I would probably just frame it under archival glass and put it on my wall as an art piece). You would have thought I had run through the family reunion naked, with sparklers coming out of my hoo-ha. Suddenly I was a bad person and my daughter was obviously going to grow up to be a Bangkok Hooker.

So, in the past 2 years I have had a lot of time to think about how I would raise my daughter to be an open-minded, free-thinker. In my opinion, morality has nothing to do with religion and if someone is a good person only because they will be rewarded for it in the end, then they probably aren’t actually that good. I donate money to charity, even religious charities. I help my family, neighbors, friends and even strangers. I love my family, friends and pets with all my heart and basically, if you are nice to me, then I will be nice to you. There are very few people that I wouldn’t pee on if they were on fire, and in my opinion, they deserve to get extra crispy anyway. I don’t care what race you are, what your sexual orientation is, or if you like to smear your face in peanut butter and have twelve kittens lick it off. You can do whatever you want as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and innocent bystanders are not hurt, either physically or mentally. And in all honesty, is that a bad way to be? Am I making the world a worse place because I don’t use God to guide me, and instead make the best choices I can with the information I am given? And how is that a bad thing to teach Delilah? I want her to help when she can, to love those who love her, and to love herself because she is the pinnacle of millions of years of evolution and natural selection. And if she gets to piss off smug religious zealots, then that is just a happy bonus.