Trust me, I have years of experience. Well, I have 5 years
of experience, but let’s be honest; lots and lots of married people don’t make
it to the five year mark, so at least I have one up on them. And aside from the
endless drudgery of being working parents with little to no money, we seem to
still like each other. Hell, we even had sex twice yesterday. I haven’t the
faintest idea how people stay married for ten years, or fifteen, but I know
exactly how we successfully stayed married for five.
1. 1. No Secrets: I define “secrets” as anything you
feel like you should keep from your spouse. If you are going to have to hide
something you did indefinitely (meaning surprise birthday parties and what not),
then you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. This can range from how much
that TARDIS shaped cookie jar really cost to cheating. J and I tell each other
fucking everything. Even things the other person doesn’t want to know anything
about. I cannot even begin to describe
how often I have stared, glassy eyed as J went on and on about some sports crap
that I have absolutely zero interest, much like when I go off about the new
study I read stating that spanking your child will turn them into a serial
killer (besides, we all know formula does that so Delilah is already screwed).
2. 2. Nothing is “Off-Limits”: There is no such thing
as a taboo subject in my house. We talk about anything and everything. There is
not a damn thing we don’t know about each other, from how we take our coffee to
when and where we lost our virginity (actually, I kind of wish I didn’t know
the “where” since we are about to buy that house and our daughter will grow up
in the very room that her father sweated on some girl that was not her mother).
We had a very extensive conversation about things J wants me to try for the
next blow job he gets last night while catching up on the Walking Dead (Which
started with me saying “I would suck the white trash right off of Daryl”).
Seriously, talk about anything.
3. 3. Fight: I mean it, get in fights. Don’t hold
things that really bother you in. If you feel strongly about it, then fight it
out. You may not agree on the outcome, but at least you are no longer holding
it in and your spouse knows too. Fighting also leads to compromise.
4. 4. Have Sex: I like to call it Marriage Bed-Death. With
work, kids, pets, being social it hard to fit in sex, and before you know it
you haven’t done the nasty in weeks. But having sex is one of the reasons you
are in a couple. And let’s be honest, it can turn out to be the best sex of
your life because you have the time and hopefully the motivation to figure out
exactly what each other’s special places are and how to stroke them just the
right way. Try new things, experiment, because you have got to keep your sex
life interesting. Buy some toys (we have a big ass box under the bed which has “Don’t
open this box!!! Seriously, once you see what’s in it you can’t un-see it”),
dress up in costumes, whatever. The great thing about having a great marriage
is that what happens between the two of you in the bedroom stays between the
two of you, unless you are like me and have a tendency to over-share after
taking shots of SinFire.
5. 5. Be Best Friends: J is my very best friend. I
honestly like spending time with him. He makes me laugh and when he is gone I
miss him terribly. We text each other all day, sending pictures we think are
funny, or sending a quick “I love you”. We have a date night every week where
we take turns picking out a movie, and the other person is not allowed to veto
it, and both of us look forward to Tuesday nights all week. Last week I picked
Jaws, the week before he picked The Sandlot.
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