4 Reasons to have a kid, even when you don’t like them…

I will be the first to admit, I don’t like kids. They’re loud, dirty, and they say “look what I can do” way too much. They endlessly want things from you, when all you want to do is bury your head in a vat of wine and drink the sorrow of your soul crushing life away. I find their endless drivel annoying, and can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would choose to give up their adult life to taking care of a child that will probably insist that you pay for their therapy in the future because you made them this way anyway.

Nevertheless, I do have a kid. One that took a ton of money and years of infertility treatments to get, and I just paid her off last week, so I guess I have to keep her. So, from one mother who loathes kids to another childless person whom loathes kids, they really do have some good attributes.

1.      1.  They’re funny

My kid is hysterical, at least to me. I recently had a discussion with her about why it’s not okay to lick strangers on the forehead. She dances and sings, shakes and wiggles and says crazy shit like “Dad, you have a vagina and its name is peanut”. Don’t even get me started on the crazy shit I hear through the baby monitor at 3am.

For some reason, all sunglasses must be worn upside down.

She dresses herself in funny outfits, and gives her toys strange and completely inappropriate names. She will yell out anything you tell her to, and horrify those around you, while you try to hide your laugh a midst some well-timed coughs.

I call this one "Homeless Chic"

    

















x    Excuses

Ever notice who gets first crack on getting holidays and special events off at work? The moms. Having a kid totally lets you make excuses for all sorts of things. Don’t want to go to work? Call in with “my child is sick”, and then pack that little monster off to daycare and take a nap. Want to get out of some event? Send an apology along with “I can’t find a babysitter and I don’t want to mess up my darling’s nighttime routine.” Who will call you out on that? No one! Why? Because the second you question a mom on anything that has to do with their kid, they will go ape shit crazy on you, and no one wants to send a mom on the warpath.

3.       3. Parents

Your parents have been making you crazy for your entire life, isn’t it time you shared the wealth? From firsthand experience, I can tell you that one that baby makes its grand entrance; your parents will basically forget that you even exist. My mother won’t even come over if the monster is asleep, and that freedom from her scrutiny is wonderful.

Here is a picture of that trip to my sisters,
 which basically sums up the entire experience.

Of course this freedom is a double edged sword, because though you may have succeeded in getting your mother off your back, she has now turned into a grandmother. Remember your grandmother? Mine always had candy and let me watch soap operas all day. She shoved me full of sweets and Kool-Aid and then sent me on my merry way. The greatest thing about my grandparent’s houses was that the rules didn’t apply and I could do basically whatever I wanted.

We recently returned from a trip to my sister’s house where my mother was left alone with my daughter and my sister’s three kids for four days, and it took at least three times that amount of time to turn my child back into a person I could actually live with. On the up side, I usually have an overnight babysitter when I feel like acting like I am 23 instead of 33.

4.       4. Blame

Nothing is easier than moving the blame over to your two year old. Honestly, they are the perfect scape goats. Forget to buy someone a birthday present? All you have to say is “Oh, little Suzie wandered off with it and now I have to go looking.” And you have just bought yourself weeks of time before having to actually find a gift, and if you are really lucky, the recipient will forget anyway. If you break something say “Suzie scaled the bookshelf and knocked your Faberge Egg collection to the ground.”

"Sorry Daddy, Mom, I mean I,
broke your $200 headphones."

If you lose something you can say “My little monster keeps hiding things from me.” It’s the perfect solution because who can question a toddler? You can’t understand what they are saying 90% of the time anyway, and since they are little monkey thieves naturally, it’s a very plausible excuse to get yourself out of trouble. Although, this tactic can only work for so long, so I am not sure what I will do when you can actually understand her.

Don't get me wrong, she still has her downsides. I swear I have talked about her bowl movements with more people than I care to count. Lets also mention how fucking expensive she is. Not only did we shell out thousands and thousands of dollars to get pregnant (or roughly the same amount I spent on useless birth control since I was 16), but then you have to buy all sorts of things for them. The food alone is going to send me into the poor house, and I have a good job, making good money. Don't even get me started on how I spent two years mail ordering special diapers because she was allergic to all of the ones I could buy locally. And she wakes up really fucking early, every single day.