Being a big fan of Kinkey-Fuckery, and laid up in the
hospital for 4 days with a kidney infection, I decided that I would give those
50 Shades of Grey books a go, and see just how dirty they are. I won’t lie, I
do love me some good, smutty fanfiction, and a book that started out that way should
be just up my alley. Granted Twilight Fanfiction isn’t something I have spent
much time with, mainly because the characters in Twilight make we want to go
bludgeon a baby seal (except Rosalie, who is a crazed killing machine in a
wedding dress). Let’s be honest here, Edward and Bella are horrible people who
deserve to get eaten by one of the bears they try to chase down. I want my
vampires ruthless, and their leading ladies funny and cajoling (think Eric
Northman ripping that guys heart out at the end of last season on True Blood).
But I digress. I have actually read the first and second
books in the Shades of Grey Trilogy, and am in the midst of reading the 3rd,
and what really gets me is just how completely fucked up the whole thing is.
Let’s start with Christian Grey, that man has HORRIBLE problems, and should
probably be in a psychiatric hospital to figure out why he likes to beat then
have sex with people who look just like his mother. Not to mention he has never
had an adult relationship with a woman he considers his equal, and as soon as
he meets Ana he immediately wants to get married, just so she won’t leave him.
Talk about emotional blackmail. He basically spends the whole second book
talking about haw messed up he was when she left him at the end of the first
book, and pretty much says “if you leave again, I will lose my shit and throw
myself off my balcony”.
Ugh and Ana!!! Ok, I get that it is possible for a woman to
graduate from college while still a virgin, but seriously, she has never
touched herself in any way? I call bullshit. Women like that don’t exist, and
if they do, I have never met one. She is just so insipid and irritating.
Honestly, fucked up Christian and sweet little Ana deserve each other, because
no one else would be able to stand them. Additionally, I call bullshit on the
multiple, toe-curling orgasms. Is that even possible? What virgin says “and I
had a great orgasm the very first time!”? I have been with the same man for 7 years,
and I assure you he has only the vaguest notion of how to make me orgasm (I am
thinking he has short term memory loss when it comes to sexual acts…),
therefore I find it hard to believe that two strangers would know immediately
how to get each other’s rocks off every time.
And all this talk about the “electrical energy” pulling them
to each other? Yeah, that’s called the Honeymoon Phase in a relationship. You
know, that time when you can’t keep your hands off each other and have sex 4 or
5 times a day? Yeah, those days don’t last. Hell, with a kid, 3 pets, 2 full
time jobs, basketball coaching, SGK training and a house, we are lucky to have
sex once a week.
However, aside from all my criticism, I am still reading the
damn thing. I am addicted to it, like crack, or donuts. And I get it. It’s nice
to lose yourself in a story where you can imagine yourself being the woman to
change a sexy, absurdly rich man from a crazed sadist to a lovey puppy
(although I would probably prefer the sadist…). And who wouldn’t want to be grotesquely
rich? I know I would. But I just can’t help thinking that all of his money isn’t
worth putting up with him, sexy abs and all. This leads me to wonder about all
these women going on and on online about how he is the perfect man and how
obsessed they are with this character. Is everyone a gold digger and they just
don’t want to admit it? Do we all want a tremendously psychologically disturbed
man to fix? Is his billions and Adonis like looks worth it all?
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