50 Shades of What the Fuck is this?...

Being a big fan of Kinkey-Fuckery, and laid up in the hospital for 4 days with a kidney infection, I decided that I would give those 50 Shades of Grey books a go, and see just how dirty they are. I won’t lie, I do love me some good, smutty fanfiction, and a book that started out that way should be just up my alley. Granted Twilight Fanfiction isn’t something I have spent much time with, mainly because the characters in Twilight make we want to go bludgeon a baby seal (except Rosalie, who is a crazed killing machine in a wedding dress). Let’s be honest here, Edward and Bella are horrible people who deserve to get eaten by one of the bears they try to chase down. I want my vampires ruthless, and their leading ladies funny and cajoling (think Eric Northman ripping that guys heart out at the end of last season on True Blood).

But I digress. I have actually read the first and second books in the Shades of Grey Trilogy, and am in the midst of reading the 3^rd, and what really gets me is just how completely fucked up the whole thing is. Let’s start with Christian Grey, that man has HORRIBLE problems, and should probably be in a psychiatric hospital to figure out why he likes to beat then have sex with people who look just like his mother. Not to mention he has never had an adult relationship with a woman he considers his equal, and as soon as he meets Ana he immediately wants to get married, just so she won’t leave him. Talk about emotional blackmail. He basically spends the whole second book talking about haw messed up he was when she left him at the end of the first book, and pretty much says “if you leave again, I will lose my shit and throw myself off my balcony”.

Ugh and Ana!!! Ok, I get that it is possible for a woman to graduate from college while still a virgin, but seriously, she has never touched herself in any way? I call bullshit. Women like that don’t exist, and if they do, I have never met one. She is just so insipid and irritating. Honestly, fucked up Christian and sweet little Ana deserve each other, because no one else would be able to stand them. Additionally, I call bullshit on the multiple, toe-curling orgasms. Is that even possible? What virgin says “and I had a great orgasm the very first time!”? I have been with the same man for 7 years, and I assure you he has only the vaguest notion of how to make me orgasm (I am thinking he has short term memory loss when it comes to sexual acts…), therefore I find it hard to believe that two strangers would know immediately how to get each other’s rocks off every time.

And all this talk about the “electrical energy” pulling them to each other? Yeah, that’s called the Honeymoon Phase in a relationship. You know, that time when you can’t keep your hands off each other and have sex 4 or 5 times a day? Yeah, those days don’t last. Hell, with a kid, 3 pets, 2 full time jobs, basketball coaching, SGK training and a house, we are lucky to have sex once a week.

However, aside from all my criticism, I am still reading the damn thing. I am addicted to it, like crack, or donuts. And I get it. It’s nice to lose yourself in a story where you can imagine yourself being the woman to change a sexy, absurdly rich man from a crazed sadist to a lovey puppy (although I would probably prefer the sadist…). And who wouldn’t want to be grotesquely rich? I know I would. But I just can’t help thinking that all of his money isn’t worth putting up with him, sexy abs and all. This leads me to wonder about all these women going on and on online about how he is the perfect man and how obsessed they are with this character. Is everyone a gold digger and they just don’t want to admit it? Do we all want a tremendously psychologically disturbed man to fix? Is his billions and Adonis like looks worth it all?  

The Friend Tiers...

I am not very good at making friends. It is a quirk of my personality that I have always suffered with.  Even as a child, I didn’t really have friends. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, but not a lot. I have always preferred to be alone than with others, which puts me in the position of not making new friends.

J, who could talk to a hole in the ground, and knows everyone, has friends all over the place. 7 years into our relationship, I am still surprised by some of the people he spends time with. I often wonder how we even got together in the first place, and I swear if we hadn’t already known each other in a totally platonic way, then this marriage would never have happened, and I would be alone with Teply Jean and 50 or so cats.

Obviously Teply Jean would have been fine with this arrangement.

I seriously maintain that it is because I really don’t like people. Honestly, I am mostly just irritated by at least 80% of the human race. Of course, 99.9% of people who meet me for the first time, walk away feeling like I am just a horrible bitch. And I get it. I am not naturally nice to strangers (I blame my mother and her constant “don’t talk to strangers!!” rhetoric as an impressionable youth). But, regardless of my gruff façade and faintly sociopathic interior, I still manage to keep some friends around.

Recently J and I have been having a discussion because I am contemplating moving someone up to Tier 1 Friend Status 9you know, because such a thing is a conscious decision). J is confused by my “Friend Tiers” because apparently he likes everyone the same or some such shit. So I had to give him a list of Tier definitions, which probably only made him think I was even more insane.

Tier 1: These are the friends that you think of as family, and would do anything for. Like if they needed you, you would jump right on a plane and be with them in a second. You would loan or gift them money and never once worry if it would be repaid. These are the people you talk about anything with and cry in front of. Evenings with these people are spent mostly talking for hours, usually with wine. They don’t bother knocking when they come over to see you; they just walk in and fix themselves a drink.

I have exactly 5 Tier 1 Friends.

Tier 2: These are friends that you have a pretty casual relationship with. They are people you occasionally have over for dinner, or go on walks with, but when shit hits the fan, they are not the first people you run to. These friends are the type who’s wedding you are invited to, but you aren’t a bridesmaid. I probably have 15 Tier 2 Friends.

Tier 3: These are friends that I stop and talk to if I see them around, but I don’t call them to chat or anything. Many old friends fall into this category.

Do I even Know You?: These are people you were pretty sure have never been any kind of “friend”, but for some reason when I run into them at the Post Office, they act like we are as close as kittens. Mostly they are friends with J, or with my sister, and then think that friendship then transfers over to me.

Don’t even get me started on Facebook Friends, since there are a good number of them that I have never met in the first place. Just last night I got a friend request from J’s aunt who I have never met…