What I'm Reading...

I have a love affair with smut. I can't help it, it is just part of who I am. When I discovered the Kindle I was overjoyed because I could read smut anywhere I wanted (even in a church, were I to ever actually walk into one). Of course, then J had to go get a Kindle Fire and since we use the same Amazon account he can see, in full color, every horrible, smutty book I buy. Needless to say, if any of the boys on his basketball team ever get a hold of that thing on a trip, he will seem like a real weirdo.
Lately I have been into Medieval smut of a more erotic nature. In face I have been burning through them like I only have a week to live.

Currently I am on A Viking's Love by Karolyn Cairns, though I am only about 33% through it. Honestly, it leaves a lot to be desired, but I lack the motivation to stop reading it. It is a little too "rape'ish" for my taste, but I do like the surrounding story.

I have now read the entire The Conquerors Series by Georgia Fox, and quite frankly, if you are looking for porn in print, then these books are for you!

In non-smut books, I really enjoyed Wool by Hugh Howey. I have read my fair share of Post-Apocalyptic books and I was surprised and delighted by this one, since it offered an entirely new point of view than any other book I have read in the genera. 

This Week in Etsy...

Since the Great Etsy Fight of 2011, I have been trying to slow down my spending a little bit (even though that $150 TARDIS cookie jar looks freaking awesome on my kitchen counter). Honestly, besides plants, I haven't really bought anything, which has caused me to not spend near the time on Etsy that I once did. However, J and I are buying a house (like real grown-ups!) and I have gone strangely crazy with decorating it. However, I only seem to be picking moderately off the wall things to put in it, which has lead me to subversive cross stitch, and now I can't stop buying inappropriate patterns, like the following...

Anyone else remember this episode of Saved By the Bell?

Because white people can be gangsta too...

Because Ice Cube is where it's at!

And this needs to be hanging in the guest bathroom!

Moon Sand (or what Mommy does when she is at the end of her rope)...

We had an incredibly dreary Labor Day Weekend. It rained almost constantly, and with J making his annual trip to the cabin with his father and two friends, I was left with a wild toddler that either needs those damn Bubble Guppies on 24/7 or wants Mommy to do the dog and pony show from sun up to sun down. Usually J is my performance partner, but this weekend, I was on my own.
J's sister had spent the summer sending box after box of beach toys, but lets face it, Alaskan beaches aren't especially known for their beach fun unless your idea of fun is freezing while slipping over mussel covered rocks, so the toys had stayed packaged up. But by Sunday afternoon I was out of ideas for keeping her entertained, so I remembered a recipe for "moon sand" I ran across somewhere and thought it would be a perfect distraction.

Supplies:

- 1 large plastic table cloth
- 1 large, shallow, plastic bin
- 1 5lb bag of AP flour
- 1 bottle of baby oil
- 1 food processor
- assorted beach toys

The ratio you are looking for here is 8 cups of flour per 1 cup of baby oil, but I basically did an entire 5 lb bag and 1 bottle of baby oil, since I figured the measurements were about right and I had just cleaned the kitchen so I didn't want to sling flower everywhere. I started by trying to mix everything together in a big bowl, but that quickly just created giant clumps, so I ended up pulling out my food processor and putting in about 3 cups at a time to pulse together. It really didn't take that long and it worked like a charm. Next we threw the plastic table cloth onto the floor, tossed in some of the beach toys and had a blast making towers to knock down and and little animals.

She did end up trying to eat it a few times, but isn't that what 18 month old's do? This kept her entertained for a good hour, then she just started flinging the "sand" around, which isn't exactly what I want done inside the house. Clean up was a breeze though. I just put the lid on the plastic tote, and shook the table cloth off outside and I was done (besides having to dust buster up a few spots where her flinging was extra enthusiastic).

I will admit that the entire house smells like baby oil now and the scent has not dissipated at all over the course of the week, but the moon sand will stay "wet" indefinitely, so in theory we have years of fun ahead of us, as long as she doesn't eat it all.

Broken Leg, Day 6...

Day 6:

My leg has been broken for 6 days now, and I am already tired of it. Seriously, breaking your leg not only really hurts, but it is also really boring. This is like bed rest all over again, and I have cabin fever. Actually, that’s not true, I’m not stuck at home. I have to be at work because not only did I fall and break my leg at the very beginning of a two day site visit by the American Association of Museums, but I also have a group of board members from a major funder here on the 25^th. Needless to say, I am sure that AAM assessor will never forget my museum.

Here are some pictures for your enjoyment...

Road Rash looks good on no one...

Broken Left Fibula

The best bruise I have ever gotten in my whole life. 

50 Shades of What the Fuck is this?...

Being a big fan of Kinkey-Fuckery, and laid up in the hospital for 4 days with a kidney infection, I decided that I would give those 50 Shades of Grey books a go, and see just how dirty they are. I won’t lie, I do love me some good, smutty fanfiction, and a book that started out that way should be just up my alley. Granted Twilight Fanfiction isn’t something I have spent much time with, mainly because the characters in Twilight make we want to go bludgeon a baby seal (except Rosalie, who is a crazed killing machine in a wedding dress). Let’s be honest here, Edward and Bella are horrible people who deserve to get eaten by one of the bears they try to chase down. I want my vampires ruthless, and their leading ladies funny and cajoling (think Eric Northman ripping that guys heart out at the end of last season on True Blood).

But I digress. I have actually read the first and second books in the Shades of Grey Trilogy, and am in the midst of reading the 3^rd, and what really gets me is just how completely fucked up the whole thing is. Let’s start with Christian Grey, that man has HORRIBLE problems, and should probably be in a psychiatric hospital to figure out why he likes to beat then have sex with people who look just like his mother. Not to mention he has never had an adult relationship with a woman he considers his equal, and as soon as he meets Ana he immediately wants to get married, just so she won’t leave him. Talk about emotional blackmail. He basically spends the whole second book talking about haw messed up he was when she left him at the end of the first book, and pretty much says “if you leave again, I will lose my shit and throw myself off my balcony”.

Ugh and Ana!!! Ok, I get that it is possible for a woman to graduate from college while still a virgin, but seriously, she has never touched herself in any way? I call bullshit. Women like that don’t exist, and if they do, I have never met one. She is just so insipid and irritating. Honestly, fucked up Christian and sweet little Ana deserve each other, because no one else would be able to stand them. Additionally, I call bullshit on the multiple, toe-curling orgasms. Is that even possible? What virgin says “and I had a great orgasm the very first time!”? I have been with the same man for 7 years, and I assure you he has only the vaguest notion of how to make me orgasm (I am thinking he has short term memory loss when it comes to sexual acts…), therefore I find it hard to believe that two strangers would know immediately how to get each other’s rocks off every time.

And all this talk about the “electrical energy” pulling them to each other? Yeah, that’s called the Honeymoon Phase in a relationship. You know, that time when you can’t keep your hands off each other and have sex 4 or 5 times a day? Yeah, those days don’t last. Hell, with a kid, 3 pets, 2 full time jobs, basketball coaching, SGK training and a house, we are lucky to have sex once a week.

However, aside from all my criticism, I am still reading the damn thing. I am addicted to it, like crack, or donuts. And I get it. It’s nice to lose yourself in a story where you can imagine yourself being the woman to change a sexy, absurdly rich man from a crazed sadist to a lovey puppy (although I would probably prefer the sadist…). And who wouldn’t want to be grotesquely rich? I know I would. But I just can’t help thinking that all of his money isn’t worth putting up with him, sexy abs and all. This leads me to wonder about all these women going on and on online about how he is the perfect man and how obsessed they are with this character. Is everyone a gold digger and they just don’t want to admit it? Do we all want a tremendously psychologically disturbed man to fix? Is his billions and Adonis like looks worth it all?  

The Friend Tiers...

I am not very good at making friends. It is a quirk of my personality that I have always suffered with.  Even as a child, I didn’t really have friends. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, but not a lot. I have always preferred to be alone than with others, which puts me in the position of not making new friends.

J, who could talk to a hole in the ground, and knows everyone, has friends all over the place. 7 years into our relationship, I am still surprised by some of the people he spends time with. I often wonder how we even got together in the first place, and I swear if we hadn’t already known each other in a totally platonic way, then this marriage would never have happened, and I would be alone with Teply Jean and 50 or so cats.

Obviously Teply Jean would have been fine with this arrangement.

I seriously maintain that it is because I really don’t like people. Honestly, I am mostly just irritated by at least 80% of the human race. Of course, 99.9% of people who meet me for the first time, walk away feeling like I am just a horrible bitch. And I get it. I am not naturally nice to strangers (I blame my mother and her constant “don’t talk to strangers!!” rhetoric as an impressionable youth). But, regardless of my gruff façade and faintly sociopathic interior, I still manage to keep some friends around.

Recently J and I have been having a discussion because I am contemplating moving someone up to Tier 1 Friend Status 9you know, because such a thing is a conscious decision). J is confused by my “Friend Tiers” because apparently he likes everyone the same or some such shit. So I had to give him a list of Tier definitions, which probably only made him think I was even more insane.

Tier 1: These are the friends that you think of as family, and would do anything for. Like if they needed you, you would jump right on a plane and be with them in a second. You would loan or gift them money and never once worry if it would be repaid. These are the people you talk about anything with and cry in front of. Evenings with these people are spent mostly talking for hours, usually with wine. They don’t bother knocking when they come over to see you; they just walk in and fix themselves a drink.

I have exactly 5 Tier 1 Friends.

Tier 2: These are friends that you have a pretty casual relationship with. They are people you occasionally have over for dinner, or go on walks with, but when shit hits the fan, they are not the first people you run to. These friends are the type who’s wedding you are invited to, but you aren’t a bridesmaid. I probably have 15 Tier 2 Friends.

Tier 3: These are friends that I stop and talk to if I see them around, but I don’t call them to chat or anything. Many old friends fall into this category.

Do I even Know You?: These are people you were pretty sure have never been any kind of “friend”, but for some reason when I run into them at the Post Office, they act like we are as close as kittens. Mostly they are friends with J, or with my sister, and then think that friendship then transfers over to me.

Don’t even get me started on Facebook Friends, since there are a good number of them that I have never met in the first place. Just last night I got a friend request from J’s aunt who I have never met…

Dear Delilah...

Dear Delilah,

This time last year, we were all miserable. Me, Daddy and Nana were waiting and waiting, and when I woke up on March 6, 2011, I was pretty sure I was going to die from being so uncomfortable.  Nana came out and asked what activity we were going to do that day, since the doctor told me I needed to walk a lot. I can’t remember exactly, but I am pretty sure my reply was along the lines of “Leave me alone, I am not going anywhere!” That day I thought I had suddenly started peeing on myself without any warning. They tell you it is obvious when you go into labor and your water breaks, it’s not. Dad and I sat around all day, watched “Silence of the Lambs” (which you can’t watch until you are 30!) and I moaned about how miserable I was. Dad and Nana have since told me how miserable they were too, but neither of them acted like it at the time.

Around 4pm, I pitched a fit because I wanted some Chinese food, and I wanted it NOW!! Dad and Nana left to get me some to eat, and while they were gone, I talked to your Auntie Erin and she said I needed to call the nurse, because you don’t just start peeing on yourself. The nurse at the hospital told me to come in, and then I had to wait for Daddy and Nana to come back. I should have eaten the Chinese food in the car, because once I got to the hospital they wouldn’t let me eat anything. But when we got there, we found out that you were on the way!

It’s a crazy moment when you realize you only have a short time before you meet your child. Dad and I sat there and talked about how this was the last time it would ever be “just us”, and how we were excited and scared at the same time. We waited so long for you, and worked so hard to have you, and it was just crazy to think all of that was going to pay off, and we were going to be a family.

The nurses told us that I was already having contractions every 3 minutes and that my water had been broken for almost a whole day. They were amazed that I didn’t feel anything, so they gave me some medicine to speed things up. By 7pm we were in a room that would be all of our homes for the next 3 days. Let me tell you a little something about being in labor, it is even more horrible than you can possible imagine. Honestly, it seemed impossible that you could hurt so bad and not be actively dying. By 11 pm I was shrieking for the doctor to come in and give me the epidural (which is a giant needle they shove in your back, so you can’t feel anything) and as horrible as getting that done sounds I had never been so happy in my life as when he walked in the door. We were watching Top Gear on TV and the doctor stopped to talk to Daddy about it, and at one point I said “Can we talk about the show after it stops feeling like this baby is trying to come out my nose!” But if I have one piece of advice about having a baby it’s GET THE EPIDURAL!!!! (remember that when you have your own baby)

Dad and I promptly went to sleep, but Nana stayed awake the whole time. At 5 am, Dr. Jolly came in and checked everything out and said “You have at least another 2 hours, I am going to go back to sleep in the on-call room”. She had been out of the room for no less than 2 minutes when tons of nurses came running in the room because our alarms were going off. I had to roll over and hang off the back of the bed, to try and help your blood pressure, because you were not happy being inside any longer. I told someone to wake Dad up (how he was still sleeping with all that activity going on around him I have no idea!) and Dr. Jolly came running back in the room. Things looked bad right then. You had no blood pressure and the doctor told me that I had 5 minutes to get you out before we went to emergency surgery.  She stuck a vacuum on your head and start pulling while I pushed and Dad just looked horrified. That vacuum popped off your head 3 times! But after the 4^th tug, out you came at exactly 5:20 am on March 7, 2011. They lay you on my belly really fast and you honestly almost fell off, but I grabbed your leg and held on and said “Could someone catch her!” and then they all turned around and acted like they didn’t almost let you fall on the floor. At this point, I hadn’t even seen you yet, just felt you and quite frankly, you were slimy. The NICU nurses and doctors took you away across the room because you weren’t breathing. I still hadn’t seen you, and everyone was working so hard to keep you alive, and all I thought was that this was the worst thing ever, to finally get to have a baby and then watch her die in the delivery room. I don’t remember what Nana and Dad were doing at this time, everything is kind of a blur, but after what seemed like hours you finally made the tiniest little squeak that I could hear across the room. The first think I remember anyone saying about you was one of the nurses when she said “She has a dimple!” and I thought that was so strange because no one in the family has a dimple.

Here is that first picture Daddy took! You look so mad!

They let Dad go over and take a picture of you to show me, and you started breathing and turned pink. When they finally brought you over for me to hold, I looked at you and couldn’t believe that I made a whole person (with only a little help from Dad)! I also marveled at how short and stubby your eyelashes were (which is funny because when people see you now they always say what great eyelashes you have).

Auntie Sherina and Auntie Erin came to visit you, along with Cousin Misty, Irish and Simon. GG called from Tennessee and Nana Joan and Poppi called and listened to you squeak. Even then, you were so funny. You would just flop around while eating, with your arms all splayed out. You would sleep with your arms and legs going crazy directions, like you were just happy to be able to stretch out.

We had to stay in the hospital for a few days because you had a giant bruise on the back of your head from the vacuum, so you had to lay under these special lights for another day. Nana had to go home because of her work, so Mom and Dad were all on their own when it came to taking care of you. We had to stay in Seattle for a whole week to make sure you were ok because we both got an infection from me being in labor for so long and not noticing. I remember when you were a week old and I looked at your dad and said “We have kept her alive for a whole week!” because I was sure we were never going to get the hang of being parents.

Over this past year, I wouldn’t say being a parent has gotten easier, I would say that Daddy and I have adjusted to it. It has been so amazing to watch you go from being a tiny newborn to being a kid that can walk and talk. You amaze me every day. This has been the greatest year of my whole life, even with all the problems I have had, because you were part of it.

I am so excited that you are going to be a big One Year Old tomorrow. I said to your dad this morning “Can you believe we kept her alive for a whole year!!!” Birthdays are special, and first birthdays are extra special. It is even special for mom and dad, because we have decided we are going to open a bottle of wine we have been saving for a special occasion for 4 whole years.  You are having a birthday party on Saturday afternoon, and it going to be all about dinosaurs!!!! It was hard for me to pick something that you would like, since you like everything but Ice cream and jello. So I ended up picking something that I like.

I love you more than Easter candy and scary movies,

Mom

Dear Delilah...

Dear Delilah,
You are almost 1!!!! How did that happen!?!?!? I swear I was just finding out you were a girl last week and now you walk and talk! You are so funny now and daddy and I both love to hang out with you. Today we got to spend a surprise morning together and we went to town and visited Nana and Auntie DeAnna at their work. We went to the grocery store and found your favorite fruit on sale for the first time this year (Yay nectarines!!). Did I mention that you slept 15 and a half hours last night? Because you are one crazy, good sleeper. Mom isn't so good at sleeping, so I am glad that you didn't inherit that particular characteristic.
You say 8 words now too. And you are walking around like crazy. I decided to put a "real" pair of shoes on you today, so that you could get used to wearing them before it actually became necessary for you to. You were so funny trying to walk in them, you kept lifting your legs really high.And last night you clapped for the very first time for daddy and me.
Daddy and I also made a big decision, one that will no doubt change how your entire life may play out. We decided that we aren't going to have any more babies. While Daddy feels like we could try for a brother or sister for you, I just don't think I can do it and I would rather spend my time being the best mommy I can be to you, than try for another baby. I hope you understand this when you are older and wonder why so many of your friends have brothers and sisters and you don't. Someday, when you are old enough I will tell you about how we wanted you so much, and how long it took and how hard it was and then maybe you will understand why I can't do it again. But I have no doubt that when daddy and I are gone, you will still have people all around you who love you and you won't be alone.
I love you more than Coach purses, and Reese's Peanutbutter Cups!

What I'm Reading vs. What I Should Be Reading...

After leaving my previous book club in Seattle so I could move to Alaska, I haven't had much chance to feel guilty about not reading the book I am supposed to. And now, since my wonderful Kindle has come into my life, I don't even have to be embarrassed about the covers of my smutty romance books in public.
But I do currently have 7 parenting books on my kindle that I am blatantly ignoring, even though those nasty toddler years are running up to us while holding scissors (did I mention she's walking now?).

Ahhh, dirty vampire sex, how I love you...

I just recently finished the most recent novel in Lara Adrian's Midnight Breed Series and I have to say, I am wondering how she is going to follow up with 2 more books. I mean, how many antagonists can you possibly put into one series? Perhaps I should have learned my lesson from the Black Dagger Brotherhood series who just seem to keep finding bad guys around every corner. Or the Morovian Dark Ones who just fight with each other (and miscellaneous other supernatural creatures).
But with the completion of this most recent Midnight Breed book, I am out of vampire smut to keep me entertained until the new BDB book comes out later this spring. I am contemplating starting the Black Jewels series by Anne Bishop but I can't decide if I want to read it, or listen to the audio book.
I am currently about half way through The Hunger Games on audiobook and I have to say I am enthralled. I am trying to get J into them, since Harry Potter and Eragon are both done and those are literally the only books he reads. I have got him started on The Game of Thrones, but we both gave up on the first book since it is exactly like the HBO series. I am wondering if I should even bother reading the others, since they will no doubt be just like the HBO series also?

Lets get on a moral high horse...

Let me just start by firmly stating my stance on the issue. I am certainly in the Pro-Choice camp when it comes to abortion, only because I don’t feel any of us have the right to make decisions for anyone else. If you find yourself pregnant and don’t feel like you have the means to responsibly care for a child, then you do what you feel you need to.  Even after all of the infertility and pregnancy loss I am still a “you deal with your shit and I will deal with mine” kind of person. I’m the same with gay marriage, because what a consenting adult does in their own private time is their own business, and I certainly don’t want anyone feeling like they have a right to tell me what I should do.

Since my journey through life thus far has led me to completely throw any common concept of “God” out the window, I don’t have religious morals to site, but personally I believe that if you find yourself pregnant and cannot, or will not, care for yourself and your unborn child during the duration of your pregnancy so that they can be adopted by families after birth, then it may be best for everyone involved if you terminate the pregnancy. Believe me, there have been times in my life when, if I would have become pregnant, I would have marched myself right down to Planned Parenthood. At the same time I don’t want my tax dollars paying for women who view abortion as birth control instead of an unfortunate necessity.

But I am disappointed in the recent decision by the Komen Foundation to stop funding cancer screening to Planned Parenthood because of a “change in policy”. It seems like a politically motivated move based on pressure from Anti-Abortion advocates. Especially since a look at Planned Parenthoods financial records would probably show how grant funding was allocated and I am pretty comfortable with assuming that the Komen funds were used for breast screening and education. Cancer screenings and education in regards to breast health is an important service provided by Planned Parenthood and even though the Komen Foundation funded only about 7% of those services, allowing your foundation to be bullied, or taking up a hidden agenda based on what you consider moral is wrong. But what I really hate to see is how this decision is causing generous supporters of the Komen Foundation to cease giving donations, because the Komen Foundation does donate millions and millions of dollars to breast cancer research, which is a great cause to support. And I can’t help but feel that this decision will inevitably hurt those they are trying to help.

This Week on Etsy...

I have been trying to cut down on buying things on Etsy, but it is so hard! I must have all the things!!!

I did order this key chain because mine has lost a magnet and must be replaced (see, if I keep telling myself that it must be done, then I am replacing something, not frivolously buying...). The one I ordered has "Lucky Us" stamped on it and has 3 pennies from 1994 (the year J and I met with a heart), 2007 (with our wedding date stamped on it), and 2011 (with Delilah's birthday on it).

I also got some decapitated Zombie Garden Gnomes, because isn't that what everyone needs?

And finally, I ordered this bracelet for my sister's upcoming birthday. When we were little kids we spent every summer at my grandmother's house and in the back yard was this huge dogwood tree that my grandfather had planted when they moved to the house. It was always something special about that place, and I just knew she would love it. Of course, she is in Hawaii for the month with her brood, so she will be getting it late. But that's what she gets for not being home at her birthday (and for going to Hawaii the one month a year I can't take off...)

Dear Delilah...

Dear Delilah,
You have been ten months old for over a week now and I swear you even look more grown up! It's like you have suddenly decided it was time to become a kid instead of a baby.
You did the most amazing thing last night, you walked to me. It was amazing, and you laughed and smiled and I cried and cried tears of joy. I was so afraid I wasn't going to see your first steps, and it felt like you had saved them just for me. I seem to have been there for all of the nasty first things you did, but none of the fun ones. Your daddy missed it because he is gone to Craig for basketball games, and Nana and Poppa missed it because they left the day before to visit Auntie Erin, GG and your cousins in Hawaii. Nana talked to you the night before she left, asking you to please not walk until she comes back, but I like to think you did it while she was gone because she had the audacity to leave us here in the 13 degree snow storms instead of going to Hawaii when we could go too.
Daddy gets home in just over an hour and I have finally talked you into taking a nap. You and I have had a hard time today, mainly because I am so tired and you are becoming such a clingy baby. All you want is to crawl all over me like a jungle gym, and all I want to do is take a nap. You know, they tell you to "sleep when the baby sleeps", but that is mostly impossible to do because when you are asleep is the only chance I get to do anything. It doesn't help that Daddy has been gone so much. Being a parent is hard, but being a single parent is really, really hard. But your Daddy misses you so much when he is gone, and I know you miss him too because you say "Daddy" and look around for him, like he is hiding under the couch or in the bathroom closet.
Last night, in the bathtub you looked at the door and said "Daddy" four or five times. You also are becoming rather good at what I call "Advanced Standing". You stood in the bathtub, a rubber ducky in each hand and yelled at the ceiling for almost the entire time. You fell down a lot though, but you didn't seem to mind unless your head when underwater. If that happened then you would launch yourself at me, getting me all wet, before remembering that you had a hairbrush in there to play with.
I swear, you have an entire room of toys and your favorite things are hairbrushes, and coasters. You may also be part goat, since you have yet to meet a piece of paper you didn't want to eat.
I love you more than books and Chinese food,
Mom