Dear Delilah...

Dear Delilah,

Holy cow, you are a wild child!!!! I had no idea that it was possible to find your own kid so entertaining, but you take the cake.  Currently, your favorite thing to do is twirl in circles while singing “Let it go” and pretending to be Queen Elsa from Frozen. Of course, you then decide you want to be Princess Anna, and tell me that “Elsa is dead!”.  I have no idea where you get these things.

Your little personality is just hysterical. You are so black and white when it comes to how things should be. If a light is usually on, and one day it happens to be off, your world tilts off its axis and nothing will ever be right again, until the light is fixed. You are in a question asking phase. I swear, daddy and I answer 8,765,034,924 questions a day. The really irritating ones are ones we just answered 6 seconds before. Your favorite question to ask is “why do those boats not in the harbor?” and daddy or I will say “Because they are getting worked on”, and then 2 seconds later you ask why the boats aren’t’ in the harbor again.

You also don’t want to have stories read to you at night. You want Daddy or I to tell you a story. Last night you learned about when Nana took Mom fishing and I kissed all the fish before letting them go. You thought that part was the best. I’m not sure what stories Daddy tells you, but I am sure they are going to give you bad ideas.

You have also discovered Knock-knock Jokes. This is extra entertaining, because you don’t seem to understand how they work or what an actual punchline is. For example, here is how a normal exchange will go between the two of us…

Delilah: “Knock-knock, who’s there”

Mom: “No, I say ‘Who’s there’.”

Delilah: Knock-knock, who’s there.”

Mom: “No, I say…. Oh forget it. Who’s there?”

Delilah: “Banana”

Mom: “Banana Who?”

Delilah: “Banana living in a tree house!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So, as you can see, I spend a lot of time staring at you blankly, trying to figure out what the hell you are talking about. Don’t even get me started on when you try to tell me a story.

We also just took you to The Cabin for the first time this last weekend and you loved it. You ran and ran, built castles, twirled, sang songs, rode in the boat, saw a whale, blew bubbles, roasted marshmallows, and had one hell of a time with the outhouse. Dad and I think Grandpa really enjoyed having you out there with him too. When we got back to town, the first thing you said was “When are we going back?”. I swear, that made your father’s day. He wants you to love the cabin just as much as he does. I remember all of the wonderful times I had at GG and Grandfather’s lake house when I was a little girl, and I want you to have a place and memories like that too. 

I love you more than Naps and Dean Winchester

Was it worth it?...

Today, an infertile friend asked me if infertility treatments were “worth it”. I found myself really pondering this question, because I wasn’t sure what the answer was. Yes, the 3 years of doctor visits, medications, procedures, miscarriages, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and feeling like a failure at life was “worth it” because I am one of the people who was able to walk out on the other side of infertility with a baby. However, I know many people who have not had a baby, who tried every method I did, and more and never got that second pink line on the pregnancy test, or were never able to carry a baby to term, and I hate to give them “hope” because every situation is different.

My sister and I have the exact same infertility diagnosis, PCOS with an MTHFR1 mutation; she got and stayed pregnant with twins on her 10^th IVF cycle. I got and stayed pregnant on a round of 300mg Clomid, blood thinners and progesterone suppositories. So, you see, even two sisters with the same diagnosis aren’t going to have the same level of success while trying to conceive.

The problem I have with telling people to “hang in there” is that I know, that for some people, they will never be able to have a biological child, and I don’t want to shoot sunshine up their ass. My sister won’t even talk about her infertility treatments, and to this day, we both sure we have PTSD. I still hate pregnancy announcements, and have only been to one baby shower in the last 8 years, and only because I was the hostess.

So when my friends ask if it was all worth it, my answer is “maybe”. Would it have been worth it if I didn’t walk out with a healthy, biological child that I carried to term myself, I’m not so sure.