It may seem like I disappeared, again. I didn’t, I’ve been here all along thinking that I should be posting something. I’d be lying if I said everything was great. I feel like it should be. I finally have everything I have ever wanted and I got most of it before I turned 30.
I have spent the past few months dealing with the fall out of Post Partum Depression. It seems like if you go through years of fertility treatment, make it through a dangerous pregnancy, a horrible birth and still end up with an amazing new person in your life, then you should be OK after that. Like you paid your dues and now you can go back to living your life like you planned before infertility reared it’s ugly head.
When I say Post Partum Depression, I don’t mean I got the “Baby Blues”, I mean my husband dragged me to the Emergency Room because he found me curled up on the floor at work after I told him to take all of the guns out of the house.
I started a new Anti-Depressant, and started going to counseling on Fridays. And I do feel better, not 100%, but better.
I hated that Delilah’s first year will be tainted by me wanting to walk into traffic. And I am terrified that someday she will find out and think this was her fault. That she made me crazy, or that I didn’t love her, or want her. I am so amazed by her every day; because every day she does something new and I love her even more. Just last night I found her sitting up in her co-sleeper, meaning she sat up on her own for the first time. Of course, at the time I was just scared that she was going to fling herself out onto the floor.
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